How to know what makes me who I really am.

Who Am I?

I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what type of blogger I wanted to be.  Did I want to be someone who would write funny stories that people couldn’t help but laugh at, or did I want to write about the serious side of life?  Did I want this blog to be a place to help me, or others?  Did I even really care what I shared and what I didn’t?  A lot of bloggers go through this and I am no different. 

For the last few months I have been going through some personal transitions and I have begun to worry less about what others think or have to say about me and/or my blog, my stories or even my writing ability.  I have been going through what I call my #Living4Now” personal journey.  This particular journey isn’t about anyone else but me and me alone.  I have lived the last 17 years for my children.  I have given up a lot of myself so that they could be happy or they could have things that they wanted or needed.  I don’t want it to seem as if I regret giving them my time, but in a way, I wish I didn’t give them all of me.   In doing so, I lost my own voice.  I lost who I was because I took my role as being a mom to the limit.  That is all I’ve known after 17 years, “mom”.  I don’t know me.   Who is this Phyllis person you speak of?  You see now; now I am faced with answering pretty tough questions.  Questions like, “who am I”, “what do I like to do”, “what makes me, me?”, and so on.  Questions I don’t know how to answer.  Not even a clue.

Who Am I?

With this quest to figure the answers to those questions, I decided it was a great time to make some more changes in my life starting with my blog.  If I couldn’t be real writing in my own space, how can I be real living my own life?  If I can’t say what I really want to say here on my blog, how can I say what I really want to say in life outside of this blog?  If I can’t be me, who can I be?  So a lot of the blog posts I will be writing may be deep rooted posts, but they are all in effort to discover who the “real” me is, flaws and all. 

A lot of things are changing

As I start to develop my own voice again, I may be posting things that people may not agree with, that are controversial, and you may not even believe they are coming from me.  On the other hand, they may seem silly, or off the chart wacky, or just light hearted and honestly, they may not even be intended for you to understand, but they are in fact a way for me to express my thoughts through words.

What Do I Like To Do?

For as long as I could remember, I loved writing.  I could write a letter to an insurance company like no one else.  I was direct, to the point and firm in my letters.  I miss that side of me.  In a way, I think parenting made me a softy and I don’t like being a softy.  I miss my sass.  I miss the old me.  I miss the part of me that wasn’t afraid to piss someone off because it was something I believed it.  I miss the part of me that won’t take no for an answer.  I miss the part of me that wouldn’t let anyone walk all over me.  I miss having fun.  I miss so many things.  Since becoming a mom, I have become nothing but a ball of worry.  I worry about my kids at school.  I worry when they are outside the house playing.  I worry when they get in the car to drive somewhere.  I worry when they are out with friends.  All I have become to know well is worry…. I hate that word now.  I don’t want to be the worrying mom.  I don’t want to be the mom crippled with fear and anxiety.

If you have watched my scopes you know that I have expressed how proud I am of my kids.  All three of them are amazing, and unique in their own ways.  I have done a great job as a mom.  They are respectful, polite, funny, kind, empathetic, sympathetic, sincere, loving, confident, independent, and all around great kids.  They are on honor rolls, in accelerated classes, creative, book and brain smart…they are the picture perfect kids in my eyes as well as their teachers.  I take great pride in how they are turning out because I have given them the best of me. 

As they get older, become more independent and realize they don’t need me as much as they used to, it is my opportunity now to try and find the answers to those three important questions I asked above.  Who am I?  What do I like to do?  And, more importantly, what makes me, me?

What makes me, me?

I am inviting you on this journey with me.   If you have any words of wisdom, please feel free to share in the comments below.  If you have any questions or stories to share of your own #Living4Now journeys, please feel free to leave those below too.  I love hearing from others and welcome the conversation.