It’s hard to see past the fog sometimes. I hate fog. I hate being in it and I hate driving in it. Yet, being in the fog usually provides me with a great deal of time to think. Sometimes that’s good while other times, not so good. But today, being in my fog state, my eyes were wide open.
All around me loved ones are leaving this Earth. My own loved ones, and those loved ones of family or friends. Today I took my kids to a funeral. My old, long time boss {from the ages of 18-31} lost her father. He was 99 years old. He was a very nice man who always had a smile on his face and loved his kids and wife. He always made me laugh and smile when he came into the office to visit. He and his wife {who had passed away years prior} were good people. They were good together. Now obviously I don’t know what went on behind closed doors, but I do know what I saw and I am pretty sure that was a reflection of their every day life together.
My kids haven’t been to church in years. They have all been baptized and have made their first communions, but after that, I just didn’t see the real purpose of going. Not because I don’t believe in God because I do. I just never felt that I fit into that Catholic mold that I was placed in as a child. We were not really “church-going” people when I was growing up so it just never played an important role in my life. Of course, I’d go to church when I felt lost or needed something, but that only lasted a short time. So today, walking into the church that I was married in almost 20 years ago {we’ve been together almost 26 years now}, it was a very surreal feeling. A flood of emotions came over me as I sat in the pew and watched my kids trying to make sense of what the priest was saying. 19.5 years prior I was standing up there in front of a priest saying my “I do’s” and having that feeling that love can conquer all and today, well, today I was sitting there wondering if love really does conquer all. I love my children more than life itself. I love my husband for giving me those three beauties. But, was I in love then? Am I in love now? I’m not sure.
I know that I love being with my husband- sometimes. I know that I can’t stand being with my husband- sometimes. I know that he says stupid things that have a tendency to hurt my feelings. I know that he says sweet things when I least expect them. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being unusually hormonal? Are all of these feelings based on comfort and not really love? I also know that we, as a married couple, have had a shitty few years. Are all these mixed emotions based off of stress and has the financial strain forced us to become hateful and resentful people? But then again, God does not want us to live a life of hate or a life full of resentment, right? So if that is true, all the hate and resentment that I am facing is merely a test. A test of my will. A test of love.
As I sit there watching my son try to sing {which he really can’t, but I won’t be the one to tell him that}, and one of my daughters singing along beautifully, and my other daughter holding my hand, I sit there and have this overwhelming feeling of being blessed. I am blessed with a family. As dysfunctional as they all are, myself included, we are a family. My husband may be a huge pain in my ass and I may be equally painful in his, but on some weird level, we balance each other out. Isn’t that what a marriage is all about? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but all I do know is that today, I choose love. I choose to feel blessed, even though I’m stressed.
