Sunday, February 16, 2025
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    HomeBody & MindKnocking on Desperations Door

    Knocking on Desperations Door

    We are not our failures

    This morning my husband informed me that 2014 was his worst year, income wise, since 2010.  That’s bad.  I can tell.  Of course, with me taking care of the bills and seeing what is coming in and going out, it is clear to me that we have started to hit all sorts of panic buttons.  You know things are getting tough when you walk around your house saying, “I can sell that”, “I don’t really need that anymore”, or “I’ll bring that to the resale shop” with hopes of making a few bucks to pay at least one past due bill.  Then suddenly, your palms get sweaty and you start to throw yourself into a full-on panic attack.

    I have to say….this fucking sucks.  This is no way I wanted to live…no way…at.all.  I’m not going for a pity party at all because we had brought this upon us by making mistake after mistake, but maybe this is my way of trying to prevent people from falling into the traps that I’ve fallen into so pay attention to my words.  Learn from my Hellish experiences and for God-sakes, PLAN…for EVERYTHING!!!

    When I got married I thought everything was just going to fall into place like a nicely packaged gift.  I never gave it a thought that at some point, I’d have a bigger house, more responsibilities, kids that stay with you {sometimes in excess of 18 years}, and at that point, I definitely did not think of retirement.   I mean, I was in my 20’s and retirement seemed like a thousand years away, that is, until you have kids.  Then somehow the years fly by and suddenly you are a 45 year old stay at home mom looking for work with no money in the bank and nothing to fall back on.

    I do not regret our decision to have me stay home with the kids.  I’ve been very fortunate up until about 4 years ago when our family was hit by the economic crisis.   Four years ago my husband lost his job and we were already in the middle of a loan modification gone bad and behind on our mortgage as a result of some idiot who forgot to “click” one button on the loan modification screen.  After that mess, we were three months behind and of course, the mortgage company wasn’t going to work with us, even though the mess was at their hands.  I remember just sitting in my office talking to the woman on the other line and as soon as we hung up, my husband was standing in the doorway and I lost it.  I completely and utterly lost it.  I had cried more than I’ve ever cried.  I had never been so scared of the unknown until that very moment.  I don’t want to say my life flashed before my eyes, but I can say that at that moment, my life itself changed.  With 3 kids 6, 9 & 12 years old and nothing to fall back on, I was scared for them.  I was convinced that I had failed them.

    So, to my newly married friends, plan.  Plan like your life depends on it.  Save as much as you can as often as you can.  Have a safety savings account so that if and when you or your husband is left without a job and chances are, one of you will not have a job at some point in your lives together, you have something to fall back on.  Save money for living, not to get “things“.  At the end of the day, the “things” that you think you “need” are not really important and in fact, those “things” won’t help you pay a bill, or a doctor, or your kids schooling.  What you need is money and LOTS of it.  Not for happiness, screw that, you need money because you need to LIVE!!!  Now here I am today, a family of five who has struggled to live off of 40-45K a year in one of the MOST expensive states in the United States and is nearing a mental breakdown!  Do not become me because at this time of my life, being me isn’t very much fun.

    But with all that said and done, it has taken me a long time to realize that I am not my failures.  How I chose to move forward is my decision.  It’s taken me a long time to really understand  “The mind is everything.  What you think, you become.” —Buddha, and really get it.  I felt so alone for so long.  I felt so overwhelmed for so long.  It took me a long time to learn how to not stress over things I cannot control.  I couldn’t control my husbands lay-off, but I could control how I handled it.  I handled it the best way that I could.  Between my husband and I, we have not been able to “get ahead” by any means, we have been living within our means.  Some months are better than others, and some, like this month, really suck.

    I will not however give up on believing that things will get better.  I will not place blame on myself for things I cannot control.  We are not our failures, not now, not ever.

    This too shall pass and tomorrow is a new day.

     

     

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