This was in my drafts for 4 years and I don’t know why. Not much had changed during that time so it’s still somewhat fitting. Which is sad. At this point, I’ll just let you read it.
Where do I go from here? That’s the question that I find myself asking too many times lately. I never really gave much thought to where I would be or what my life would be like as a 48-year-old woman. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, I am asking myself this question almost daily. It’s exhausting. This isn’t going to be the type of blog post that has a lot of useful tips and strategies or one with a big-bang conclusion. I get it, people read blog posts to find answers to questions they have or to help them solve their problems. Well, this one isn’t one of those blog posts so if you’re looking for a quick fix or aha-moment, you will probably be disappointed.
Thing is, I need to make some changes. Some life-altering – major – changes. I’m not exactly sure how to go about making those changes so I am taking to my blog, my little virtual journal, and letting whatever happens -happen. I am just going to let the words pour out and go from there.
I struggle with a lot of things like learning that I am quite the worrier. When my kids were little, I wasn’t a worrier (or at least I don’t think I was). Helicopter mom, I was not. I let them go and explore things, eat things, play with dirt, maybe even eat it, I just let them be kids. Being the rebel mom I was, I started giving my baby cereal before it was medically suggested to give cereal. While at the park, they would swing super high and it didn’t bother me. Somehow though, as my kids aged, my sense of worry heightened. Starting with 9-11 followed by all the mass shootings in various schools across our Country it started happening.
Day by day it’s hard to see
Actually, I think it started when my oldest (soon to be 20) started to drive. Her sense of independence suddenly became my lack of it. I started to become dependent on people, started gaining more weight and I put up a barrier. It started to feel like she was free to explore the world, and I wanted to hide from it. My anxiety started to increase to the point of not even wanting to drive alone…anywhere. Suddenly she wasn’t dependent on me to get her where she wanted to needed to go. I struggled with my role in her life. Yes, I would still be there for her to help her with whatever she needed, but it felt different somehow. She didn’t need me the way I needed her.
Without realizing it, I think I gave up a little bit of myself every day for the last almost 20 years to make sure her 20 years were ok. Meanwhile, no one gave up a little of themselves to make sure I was ok. Not even me. Then add kid numbers 2 and 3, and forget it! In my world, other people always came first, because that’s where I put them.
I need to figure out how to get my head in the right space again so that I can start feeling whole again. Thing is, I’m not sure how to do that. I was never made to feel special throughout my life so I don’t know what I expect from myself. Maybe it’s an inward realization that I need to experience. I need to get to a point where I am ok with loving myself, providing for myself, and enjoying myself in order for me to be made to feel special by others. Learning how to appreciate myself in order for others to appreciate me. What I need is to show myself some love and compassion in order for others to want to give that to me. The bottom line; it starts with me and only me.
So, where do I go from here?