My Life as Mom…


I’ve been giving this topic a lot of thought lately.  What is my role now?  Probably because my oldest {15} is starting to think about college and what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  With all the college talk, different career options, and her constant desire to grow up with out my consent, I have been really struggling with my relationship with her and even more so, myself.


My daughter and I have always had a great relationship with each other.  It was something I’ve prided myself on.  If anything, my children would know, Mom has their backs.  That statement came true when I helped my daughter through her tween years of being bullied.  Even though I had her back, seeing her sad all the time made me feel as if there was something more I could have done.  I couldn’t put my finger on what more I could have done, but I just hated seeing her struggle with who she was after being told she was ugly, disgusting, a whore and countless other names in the book and when you add that to the trays being shoved into you while you were sitting at a table, and having water thrown on you from water bottles, it tore a part of my soul to pieces.  She was down the path of self-destruction, until one day she asked me to take her to counseling.  Of course, I’d do anything she’d ask, however I was even more hurt that I couldn’t take the pain away from her by myself.  I soon realized that I did do everything I could possibly do.  I talked to the dean of students, I talked to the principal, I even went and talked to one of the parents.  Then, when she asked me take her to counseling I knew she had enough.  She suffered enough and just wanted to be happy.  I had to put my ego aside and let her do what she needed to do.  I had to let her heal.


What I didn’t realize was that going through counseling with her would bring up unresolved issues I had.  I was angry with the girls who tormented her though out middle school.  I cried.  I talked to my daughter about my feelings and then she said it.  She said what I needed to hear at that exact moment.  “Mom, you did everything you could.  There wasn’t anything else you could have done.”  I guess that was my cue that she was going to be ok.  She was letting go of her sadness and I was about to let go of my anger.  It was the most freeing moment I’ve had in a long time.


After that conversation, she started exploring Buddhism, started a journal, started writing poetry, auditioned for the talent show, sang an acoustic song by herself at the talent show, and more importantly, she started smiling.  With all this change going on in my house, it got me thinking.  What is it that I enjoy doing?  I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years.  That’s all I’ve known.  What do I even like, what do I hate?  What career do I want to dive into?  Do I want to go back to school?  Do I like to paint?  Do I like to bake?  Do I like decorating?  Do I like party planning?  What is it that I do like?  These are the questions I find myself asking and now is the time for me to explore.


So, while my daughter is exploring what she wants to do with the first half of her soon to be adult life, I am exploring what I want to do with the second half of my life.  This life is nothing but a journey now.  I am looking forward to testing myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I look forward to the trials and tribulations of my explorations and the lessons each will bring.


What I do know… I love my daughter.  She is my biggest strength and with her smiling again, I know we will both be ok.